Troy Burroghs: Over a Flat Tire

A flat tire, I know what you’re saying: big deal the world isn’t fare but this beats the coke. I went to the mall yesterday with my Volkswagen, to the back where there were some women, young, they were inside the door and they were where big, so I had my brother hold the doors open and I drove inside. They laughed and as I was backing the car up, I almost went through the huge bay window. Three girls were handing out parking vouchers to park free, what a joke I thought. I drove my VW out along side of the building now, my fun was over. Then this young dark haired gal took out a stack of quarters, put them in the palm of her hands and starting feeding the meter where my car was, free eeeeeeeeeeee I was a happy camper. Maybe I impressed her [?], so I told myself.

“Part of your new style advertisement,” I humbly commented.

“YES Sirrrrrrrrrrrrrr,” she said with a big smile. I liked the Yes, but not the smile for some reason, kind of, I should say I am used to a smirk vs. a smile, so I told myself. I got thinking, she may be taking this to extremes, but then maybe the place needed customers, and, you know, do what you can to get them.

Then I stopped thinking about that, and looked at my front right tire, it was flat. I told my brother I was getting the spare tire out of the back, and that gal was just talking away to the other girl and my brother put the tire down, then went to join them, I waited until they stopped yakking [incidentally I know I said I was getting the tire, but I got tired, so my brother did, ok]. Anyways, I waited until they stopped yakking like two chipmunks fighting over some nuts, then when I turned about to see how my car was, it was gone. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! My left hemisphere of my brain was saying ‘pay attention Troy; don’t look at the yakkers so much.’

Around the corner I ran looking, and looking but no where could I see my car: now thinking the Yakkers are probably still yakking away.

As I searched high and low for the car, I got thinking again, “Who would they take a car with a flat tire?” You tell me! Then when my brother and I got back to the location, for he was running behind me in support of my mission, the women were now inside the station, or hall entrance of the Mall. I went in, asked if they seen anyone out and about who took my VW. The dark haired gal, you know the one with all the quarters, had called the Big K-Garage to pick it up and fix it, that she was trying to get my attention but I kept farting around with that tire endlessly. That’s a lie I told her, I started to fart around, and then my brother took over for me, and I just stood around.

She said, “Yaw, sure…” and something else I couldn’t understand.

The girlfriend then turned about to talk to a blond girl, who said to her, looking at me, “Big K-Garage, is going to do some other work on it; that it was in bad shape, $1000 worth of work.”

My eyes almost popped out of its sockets, “Whattttttttttttt!!!!!!,” I said as calm as I could.

I had my brother call the garage, he knows about cars, and he asked what the heck was going on.

Then the gals started locking up the Mall, it was closing I guess, but it looked like a party was starting. They told us to stay if we wanted.

“But my car,” I said, “what about my car?”

Then the blond got close to me as if she thought her body could repair my VW. She was not even hot. Anyways I pushed her back, “…my car honey!” she said calmly,

“It’s only $1000.”

As I looked into her eyes, I saw: blackmail signs.

I told myself, the car isn’t worth $1000.

I starred back at her with $500-dollar eyes “That’s all the car is worth, baby…”

That’s exactly what I said. Now who had to make the next move, me or her? One of us.

“You know, life is like a lost turtle on a highway, you got to walk down it, you just hope the drivers don’t smash you on your Journey, that’s my philosophy of life…!” That’s what I told her, eye to eye. She said,

“Give me the buck’s son, and I’ll get the tow truck back here, quickly.” The deal was signed and sealed, and we had a party.

Written 11/2002 (re edited: 2/9/2006]